Intolerable Relatives-in-Facebook Syndrome

Disclaimer: All the persons mentioned in this article are completely real. Any resemblance to real persons, especially your relatives, is purely intentional. This article is a collective opinion based on extreme research done on real life experiences of persons between age 25 and 30, who have been using Facebook since their college years.

I have got a real bad feeling that the world is coming to an end! Reason: My relatives have joined Facebook. I mean the older generation.  Being blessed to have really cool parents who have been using Facebook, sending mails, enjoying being online pretty much like any other non-computer-student in their 20s, I find the lameness of my relatives a little less tolerable and a little more annoying than their real life presence.

So here is a list of things our very own relatives do on Facebook to sound cool:

1. Praising everyone type

You upload one photo and BANG!!! There you have it. One like and one comment with just one word  – rock star or hero or model or heroine or beauty or princess – depending on your gender. The photo need not be very good, just it should be yours. You get tired of typing thank you again and again but they won’t get tired.

2. The Critic

You upload a status questioning something about the problems of the society. Most of the time, it is just a copy-paste of someone else’s status or some article. Basically there is no answer for these except one – time. You just upload it and forget about it. Then one fine day, a creepy argument comes in the form of a comment to ruin your day, making you consider deleting your Facebook account. The comment will be something like – ‘So what do you think we should do in such a situation?’ All you want to say is – ‘Ohhh looks like you are an expert in such situations. As I have no clue, please explain to me while I take notes. ’ But you know very well that this will lead to more argument that is visible to everyone making it really embarrassing. So you just show yourself as offline for a few days.

3. The friendly Critic

This is similar to the above ones but they act too friendly and are less dangerous. Don’t worry they won’t bite. They just find things that are missing in every other post or pic even if it is really not needed. Comment on a pic of me and my hubby will be – ‘Both of you look great together but clothes you both are wearing should have had a teeny bit of connection you know. May be one color is there in both dresses.’

4. The devotee

Enter some swami/godman/guru that wears saffron cloth and has forgotten to shave, has a long white beard reminding you of an Indian version of a really dirty and unkempt Dumbledore. No no he is not your relative. It is his devotee who is related to you. This type keeps posting 100s of pictures of quotes told by his guru with a background of his guru’s photo where he is posing as if he is getting enlightened by some Divyashakti (divine power). I am not criticizing the Guru except for the fact that how can a spiritual person get convinced to be his devotee by seeing him in different poses of receiving knowledge? I would be imagining the scenario where the photographer is saying- 'Guruji, say cheese!' If the relative is finding happiness being a devotee to the Swami, I am happy for him unless he tries to shove the quote + enlightenment pictures down our throats.

5. The Nosy  type

Those of us blessed with a very lenient and understanding boss has no problem if we are working and another tab of Facebook is open the whole day which we keep checking in between to refresh our mind. We even share some jokes which we see on Facebook with our boss. This fact is indigestible to some of my relatives. You are researching on some topic and suddenly Facebook tab shows a notification. So you turn curious and there is relative asking:

‘Why are you always online on Facebook?’.

An inner urge tells you to type ‘Because that is what Facebook is for.’ Or ‘How do you know? That means you are also online the whole day. Why may I ask?’ Or if there is a deadline, you want to ask ‘why do you come online, or talk or breathe?’

But all you do is you do not click on the message and wait sheepishly for them to go offline while continuing with your work. Once you are convinced they are really offline and not just opted for chat-offline, you reply:

‘Sorry I was busy. Yeah I just forget to close the tab.’

What is worse is this news reaches my mom and she starts questioning me if I really online the whole day.  Though she does not have any problem with me being online on Facebook the whole day, she is irritated by the way they interrogated her. They have been thinking that I have lost my job or I have lied to them that I have got a job in the first place. The worst part is when my mom tells them that I am working, they laugh on her face saying either she is fooling them or I have lied to my mum.

6. The Nosy type #2

This is quite the opposite of the above one. They come online very rarely and ask us ‘long time, no see?’ Actually they wanted to be asked the same question after a big break from Facebook but no one noticed. 

7. I don’t care about you, only your sibling

Relative: Hi

Me: Hi

Relative: How is your sis?

Me: (I am fine thanks for asking) Oh she is great!

This is it every time. Writing more about this person is seriously a waste of time.

8. I-don’t-know-what-I-am-doing-here type

This is a very distinct species. You have to be really lucky (read unlucky) to have such a type. I see a friend request on Facebook. The name indicates it is a female. No profile picture. Second name is same as my hubby’s. So I conclude this should be my hubby’s relative. I sent a message asking to upload a profile pic. When I see the pic, it is about time for some flashback:

I attend a wedding of my hubby’s distant cousin who shares his second name with my hubby. They had got a kid even before their first wedding anniversary.

So now what I see is the bride but a bit plump. So I make a mental note that this is her name. But my hubby tells me that this is not her name, her name is something else in the wedding invitation. So then I remember that in our tradition they change the bride’s first name too after wedding. So I send her a message asking which her maiden name is and which the new one is. But she gives no answer even though I see her online. After 6 months, I see a new album popping out on her profile, a birthday cake and her first name on it and you also see a #1 shaped candle. Boom!!! Here comes an epic facepalm.

It is the baby’s name and the profile pic is of the mother! So either there is a 6 month old kid who is smart enough to somehow start using Facebook or there is a 25 year old mother dumb enough to write her profile name as her kid’s name and when I told her to upload her pic, she immediately uploaded her pic and probably she still does not know why she did it.

At one side I see my mom, 50 years old, chilling on facebook, asking me for some photos of my recent holiday on Facebook chat, mocking me for accidentally uploading a pic that is rotated 90’ clockwise and enjoying facebook to the fullest and there is this female, 25 years old, more educated than my mom, born and brought up in a city and does not know what a profile name is for.

I, for example, have my profile name as my full maiden name followed by my hubby’s surname even though my official name is still my maiden name and I have no intention of changing it. The reason is the people I knew before my wedding, the people whom I work with now as well as anyone who knows me through my hubby should be able to reach me on Facebook. And here this female has her infant’s name and no profile picture and she just expects everyone to just guess who she is.

Do I have to explain what a profile name is?

9. ‘Hi’ type

This type is a bit better than the above one. This one does not know what to do so everywhere and for every pic or status, he comments – ‘Hi!’. There are also times when they are so tempted to type ‘hi’ but do not find a place so they open chat and say ‘hi’ and then disappear. Genius!

10. Tag type

This person is too much in love with himself that when he uploaded a new profile pic, even though he is the only one in the pic, all his 300 friends are tagged.

All I have to tell them is:

1. Even though all of you have ruined all the fun that was on Facebook, I would still take this opportunity to thank you for coming to Facebook so I got to know your true colors.

2. Thanks for not being on Twitter.

3. If I have describe you all in a line, it would be 'Tedha hai, par mera hai!' (You are weird but you are mine.)

Have I missed anything?

P.S.:  If you are my relative, then you are not specified above.

Images courtesy: Google.
Title of the post courtesy : My very good friend and a great blogger Shobhit.