Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Irony of Life!!!

Life's so strange at times. Makes us think of things we would never think of even in our dreams. Something similar to this happened to me. I'm not boasting about myself but I have never cursed even my enemy in my life. I've never thought bad for someone or cursed. Whenever I used to face any bad experience, I say that even my enemy should never experience this. But one day, I was forced to pray to god that its better if that person doesn't exist in this world!!! Yes!!! I prayed that way.

One of my best friends in school, Naziya, she was my classmate, bench mate and one of my best pals for 12 long years. We had enjoyed so much. We were of the same height and looked much similar. We were always together because of our height. And we almost had the same marks and used to discuss a lot about studies. The most important thing- I'd never told even one lie to her. U actually don't feel like telling a lie to her or to fake to her. Because she was such a pure hearted gal. I really don't know about others. But I had told her such a big lie. I still feel so guilty.

After my schooling, I'd shifted to Mangalore, a place where everyone speaks Kannada. This made me go away from my schoolmates. I couldnt contact them. But I had remembered Naziya's number. I used to contact her. We used to speak in weekends even though I did not have a cell. When I had entered my engineering life, she used to come to Mangalore for BSc. We had planned many times that we would meet on Saturday but we both were too busy. And one day in March 2009, I got a message that she's admitted to hospital And that she is suffering from terminal cancer last stage. Twas too late for any kind of medicines to cure her. SHE WAS DYING!!!

We all were shocked. We had never believed something like this would happen to her. How can god do something so bad to a gal who's so sweet. I couldn't even believe my eyes when another classmate of mine was telling me this over the phone. She was almost crying when she said that. I was totally blank. I had completely forgotten that I was having exams. That was the first internals of the Eight semester that was going on. I did not know what to tell her. I just told her that I have exams. But I actually wanted some time to digest that this was a real fact, and not a nightmare. And she told me- "Yes you study well for your exams. Naziya will not be able to complete her studies. So you complete yours for her." I couldn't control my tears. I cried the whole night. It took me four days just to digest this.

The day I was completely in my senses, I badly wanted to see Naziya. I told my mom that I am going to hospital to see her. My mom was really concerned. She thought I will not be able to control myself when I see her on the death bed. She chose to come with me. I did not speak a word to her while we were travelling to that place. When I had entered the hospital, my heart was beating so fast as if it was aching deep inside. I felt my legs were not at all moving. They were numb. Even though I was walking, I felt I will never reach her room. That one minute of walk. I felt it was an hour. Finally I reached her room. She was there. Looking very tired. I did not know what to speak. For an instance, I felt my heart was beating so fast that it was getting unbearable. I knew she didn't know anything about her health. She was told that she'll be fine after the treatment. And its so damn difficult to fake to her. Before I could speak something, suddenly she started screaming like hell out of pain and nurses came, asked me to go out.

I was with my mom outside and was scared, sad, hurt, and completely in shock. That moment I felt terrible. To my surprise, all her relatives who were there knew me. They recognized me and told my name. They told me that she used to speak to them about me. After waiting for another half an hour, they told me that I can go in. I agreed. But I couldn't go. I was scared. What if I cry in front of her? What if I stand blank there? So many questions were coming to my head. Suddenly I felt I've got all the courage of the world. I just headed towards her. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to give her some moments of happiness from my side. I went there, and pretended as if she was actually going to be fine. She was so optimistic even after bearing so much pain. She told me that her final exams were on and she couldn't go because of this. she reminded me of the times when we used to plan to meet but couldn't. She also told me that once she's fine, we'll again meet in Mangalore. I told her that I'll take her to my house in Mangalore as she has not been there. She was very happy as always when I invited her to my house. I told her that I have improved in Malayalam. She had always wanted me to. I move my hands a lot while speaking. And she used to open her hands as if she wanted me to hold them. She was all smiles. That was the last time I saw her. 15 minutes passed by in no time and her friend, who was always there, told me in sign language without her knowledge that I should stop speaking. Otherwise speaking a lot will strain her. I was satisfied that I could make her happy. I told her bye and told her we'll meet again. Then I had to leave. I came out and my mom went in for a minute. She came out and started crying. I did not want her to create a scene over there so I took her and left the place.

When we were travelling back home, my mom was crying like anything, and I was serious but completely satisfied. I could do what I wanted to do. I also felt a bit helpless. I was thinking is this all that I can do for a friend? While sobbing my mommy was telling me that she never knew I was so brave. She told me that now she's not sorry that she doesn't have a son. That was a 'compliment' according to her. I don't really think it is one, but then it was sweet of her to compliment me something. I got a message that night from my friend that she was speaking to him for hours about me and was very happy. That made me feel that I could really do something for her. But her pain was so unbearable for me to take. I could still listen to her screaming. My mom told me that when I was speaking to Naziya, a nurse was telling my mom not to pray that she should live for some more days but that she should live for as less days as possible. Because pain killers had stopped working on her and if she would live for more, she had to suffer for more. And when my mom went in, Naziya said- "Pray for me, Aunty." That made my mom cry.

I also prayed that all her pain should vanish as soon as possible. And when I got the news that she was gone, I was a little happy for her somewhere in the corner of my heart that she will not have to suffer that pain again. But from that day onwards, I have a guilty feeling that I lied to her, faked to her and like I let her go. Since then, I'm getting a lot of nightmares about her. I just want to tell her that I'm sorry for telling lies to her. I hope she's not angry with me. She will always be alive with us in our hearts. May her soul rest in peace!

7 comments:

Siddharood said...

Am waiting for your next post.

illimog said...

This is the first ever blog i read completely, and may be this is the only one blog which will make me cry. Anyway, these tears are something which i have for last 2 years. It took me to those days where I was there always with nazi to make her smile,keeping everything aside... The pain of making someone smile,without letting them know that they are going to die,uffffff just cant think about it again...But almighty made me to be with her to make her smile.. Almight have known that I will completely go mad if i see,my nazi leaving me alone.... May be thats why almighty made me not to go to hospital on her last 2 days,where i had been with her for almost all the days...

I have seen preethi coming with her mother,and may be that was the first time I met her, but I knew her from nazi....

Thanks for taking me for a moment to those days with her...always praying for Nazi....

Remembers her always with a drop of tear in my eyes....

Preethika Shenoy Padiyar said...

@ Sid: thanks :)
@ Ilyas: thanks a lot :) I am happy u liked it.. :)

Shobhit said...

What I personally think is that it is more important to make someone smile during their lifetime rather than when they are gone. And most importantly, you also gave her hope. Though she was in immense pain, but your being there with her and supporting her must have lessened her pain even if was for sometime.

We give all the importance to truth (not that we are always truthful all the time) but I think a lie that makes someone happy, even for sometime without hurting that person is much better.

You feel guilty because you lied. But I'm sure there's no one who'd mind that lie which gave a few happy moments to your friend. Not even your friend, wherever she is now. :-)

AFSAL said...

nyc one !!!

Pritz said...

That made me feel a lot relieved Shobhit :)
Thanks a lot. :)

KINIX HANDE said...

Can't imagine how it would feel if pain killers stop working.

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